Am I doomed to repeat this?

I'm struggling right now.

I mentioned I'm in love again. And here.

After not seeing R for a long time while I was away and then he was busy with work, I saw quite a bit of him last week. I loved every moment. Braaing, out drinking and playing golf. Loved just chatting and shooting the breeze. Loved being close to him.

He seems at ease with me and we're just like a couple of boys together.

And it's that old thing of being grateful for each moment, but knowing that it will go no further. Seemingly pleasure and agony in equal measure.

Over the past year I've looked for people who are accessible - on Datingbuzz and Mamba. The guys I'm interested in are not interested in me. I'm not sure why. But it seems that the people I'm destined to love - and those I might - are unreachable.

I'm meeting with someone off Mamba for coffee tomorrow. He's not long term potential - I'm 36 and he is 23. But it might be fun, and I could do with some of that.


But even with that I'm just cut up about R.

How do I get through this?

I'm totally in love again. I've been I love with four people now. Three straight guys who are unavailable. And a girl who married someone else. The fatal attractions. The third straight guy who is unavailable is R, recently married. I love being around him, playing golf, etc. He's open minded - one of his best friends is gay - loves sport, etc. It's that love where you notice all the mannerisms, his hands, eyes, etc.

And while I grow closer to him and love him more and more, I know it will go nowhere. And it's killing me. I'm near depression again. I've now reached the desperation of trying the out and out gay pick up site Mamba's Meetmarket - the name says it all.

All the whys. Why can't he have been available to the anonymous email? Why another straight guy?

Damn. With apologies to Fight Club, this is my life and I'm dying one unrequited love at a time.

Fatal attractions?

Boy do I have a few.

Of course there is the straight best friend (M) (and here). He's still the person I fantasize about settling down with. Never going to happen but he is the benchmark. And still my best friend.

I got missed call from the girl of my dreams (Ng) (and here, here, and here) this week. Not sure what it was about. Despite her now married status, my heart still skipped a beat.

There is another really good friend (Nb). Probably the one friend who actually loves me. He phones and I hear the smile in his voice when we talk. He is married with two kids. If things were different he'd be the perfect guy to settle down with.

There is the guy who works at my client (R). The guy I hit on anonymously (and here). Who is now a very good friend. I had dinner with him, his wife and two gay friends of his on Friday night. He stopped by to watch the rugby at my house on Saturday. And I played golf with him today. Oh my word have I got the hots for him (no he does not know it was me that sent him the email).

Interestingly, I had dinner this week with the first guy I'd ever been with. Amazingly that was five years ago. What a sweet guy. He is still in a relationship, but things were really close to boiling over. They didn't. Damn.

Unrequited love has really bothered me. I love being with M, Ng, Nb and R. However, after I've been with them I do feel really down, knowing that despite how I feel about them, nothing will ever happen. And I wonder why I can't meet someone like them who is available. I am trying. The dating sites (here), the anonymous email to the guy I hoped might respond. With regards to girls, there is an opportunity, but she could be on the rebound and at 29 is likely to be looking for "the one." I'm not sure I can handle that pressure. With regard to guys, short of going to a gay club - something I really don't think is going to deliver an eligible guy - I'm not sure what more to do.

In the meantime I'm accumulating best friends I have feelings for. Damn.

So what's your best affirming moment?

Funny thing. Some things I'm quite self confident in. Like business. I know I'm good and had all the affirmation I need. Like setting promotion records etc.

When it comes to being seen as attractive, especially by guys - not necessarily to someone, just by them - I feel inadequate. There are a few events that precipitated this. And no matter what has happened since, I've never felt happy with myself.

Something got me thinking of five big moments for me. Not that big in the scheme of things. But memories that make me smile.

Once as a Spur waiter it came time for the dessert order. I asked the group of rowdy middle aged ladies what they'd like for dessert. "We'd like you on a plate," they replied. I responded deadpan, "And would you like me with cream or icecream?" I think I got a big tip.

There was the time I was at a Bon Jovi concert and a women stopped me as I walked past. I turned round and she made me turn round again to have my back facing her. She lifted the sweater round my waist to show my backside to her friends who approved loudly.

And the biggest affirmation? At a fair going into a beer tent, as a friend and I walked in, two young guys were coming out. The one stepped back and pulled his friend back. "Better let this guy through - he's built!" he said smiling at me. I was playing club rugby at the time and pretty strong. It was one of the few moments I've had affirmation from other guys.

The other was when I was playing touch rugby as we entered my matric rugby season. I scored a try that made the other team look silly. One of the first team guys said to me, "Wow, are you playing this season?" It was great. Unfortunately I broke my collar bone badly in the third practice of the season. But I remember that touch rugby game and the comment well.

When I was playing touch on the beach in a random game a friend and I joined, I again made a few people look silly and this guy on the other side who was pretty good and built like a brick shithouse came up to me and asked where I played club rugby.

Funny how context determines importance. Meaningless comments that due to my context became memories that meant something.

What is also weird is how context misleads us. Misleads us into thinking that achieving something will solve an internal dissatisfaction. Madonna was once being interviewed when she explained how she had wanted to be loved and fame became the ultimate means of achieving that on a grand scale. She then told how standing in front of 100 000 adoring sycophantic fans turned out to be the loneliest she had ever been.

It's tough because while you know that's true, you still have to go through the emotional process of dealing with your shit. No one else can do it for you.

Who will bare witness to your life?

At a friend's recent wedding he told how he had read the above somewhere and how he had found that person in his new wife. That life was richer for having someone to bare testimony.

While I'm fairly self sufficient, it is something I identify with. As I grew up I was taught that telling someone of your achievements was boasting and equivalent to sin.

It has meant that my successes in the latter part of my life have been largely my own. I have not even told my parents. No one.

So I'll tell this anonymous blog.

• After being sick in my first year, I repeated through UNISA. I aced everything. Stung by being excluded from UCT, I had a point to prove. It was the first year of my life that I'd actually risked failure and really worked. Until then, I think fear of failure meant that I held back, using lack of effort as an excuse. My aggregate was stratospheric. UCT accepted me back the following year.


• After chronically underachieving at school and in my undergraduate career, I graduated with a first class honours from UCT. I was 3rd in the class, but it was a big improvement.


• After a year at an accounting company, I moved to an international strategy consulting company. One of the top 3 in the world. After a solid start and first promotion, I was promoted through the second rung in record time. My promotion was presided over by the head of our London office and the it was globally the fastest anyone had been promoted through senior to managing consultant ever. The record was never broken to my knowledge.


• While a junior consultant I sold work in the first two projects I was ever involved in.


• As a senior consultant I was asked to lead a project and manage client interaction. This was unheard of below managing consultant. The client was a director with years of experience managing consulting contracts at SAB. He told my bosses I was one of the best consultants he'd ever worked with.


• While still a senior consultant I was asked to join the strategic management forum of the business. Some more senior colleagues objected and were told that if they didn't like it, they could leave.


• I won awards every year they were offered. From innovation awards about three times, to best consultant.


• As a managing consultant I worked with a Director in London. He wrote one of the world's best selling handbooks on strategy and was a partner in two of the world's leading consulting businesses. He brought me in to advise a company he owned a substantial stake in. He told my bosses that I was one of the most promising consultants he'd ever worked with.


• While a managing consultant I built a team of 8 consultants under me that I recruited from industry. I sold and delivered work with them around the globe.


• At 26 I sold strategic advice to South Africa's leading financial services provider. I remained advisor to the MD for two years.


• I was promoted to Principal at 27. The youngest in the history of the South African office.


• I was debt free at 30 with a paid off house and car. This seems minor but in the context of my upbringing it freed me of the fears of my parents who worked their whole lives to pay off their house, car and provide the best they could for their children.


• At 31, I was asked to take the managing director position of the South African branch of a global company, execute a merger and manage a staff of over 70 people. I turned this down to start my own consulting company.


• I took 9 months off after being emotionally exhausted and burnt out. I studied economics III through UNISA for a third major, 11 years after studying economics II. I aced it and came top of the class.


• I started studying another honours part time, this time in economics, through WITS last year. It is a two year course. At the half way mark at the end of last year I was a fraction off a distinction and top of the class. With my work load this year I'm way off this standard and miserable about it.


• I have now been running my company for about a year and a half. If she agrees, I'm taking in a director of a listed company as a partner. I'm employing consultants. And I've signed a 5 year lease on new offices.


• One of my current clients is a leading investment bank. Two weeks ago, one of the CFOs told the exco that I am the best consultant ever to work with the organisation.

Why am I telling an anonymous blog? Because it illustrates the point. After underachieving I've done quite a lot over a number of years. But no one knows and there is no one to bare testimony. If I got hit by a car tomorrow, not even my parents would know that I actually did some special things. I want someone to share the secret. Someone who finds me special without knowing any of the above. And then one day hears me share and is surprised but loves me no more and no less.

Will I ever love anyone else as much?

I played golf with my best friend the other day. I've written how I've been in love with him for what is now approaching 16 years. And I wrote how it is difficult being friends with him while I continue to feel the way I do about him despite his being straight and unavailable.

It's great being with him and both of us can just "be." No bullshit. We know one another inside out. We're similar in many ways. We studied together, we both love sports and fairly intellectual.

Which makes it difficult. Because there is the attraction part as well.

Added to this is the fact that he is a world class athlete (literally - he took up triathlon, part-time, outside his regular job, and qualified for the world champs in Hawaii) and has possibly the best body I've ever seen. I've had that head over heels love for him for years - the kind that loves his hands, feet, etc.

And despite being intensely private and knowing my feelings for him, he has now changed and showered with me after golf on two separate occasions. Which I've taken as a huge compliment emphasizing his trust in me.

But my god, seeing him naked. I've gone into a depression once again.

The worst part is knowing that even if I went out with a guy as physically beautiful as him, I'd struggle to find someone who I can be as happy with just sitting at a table having coffee with.

Is it possible to be friends with your exes?

It's probably a question we each grapple with.

Often relationships end in argument and I guess when things are on bad terms, it's easier to figure out the answer.

None of my relationships have ended on bad terms - from my side. One ex is a very good friend and it is easy to spend time with her.

Another ex was my perfect girl. We went through periods of tension and not talking. Then she made an effort and visited me on trips to Joburg, etc. Then suddenly no responses to my messages or any contact. Now I hear she is getting married in April. I'm irritated. Does this mean that even though she told me she was not keen, she maintained contact because she was still making up her mind and keeping her options open?

Another ex is my first and only ex boyfriend. Although I've tried to maintain contact, it's proved difficult and so I've moved on.

Perhaps the most difficult has been the realtionship with my best friend. I've known him for 12 years and been in love with him since pretty much the beginning. I told him that about 5 years ago knowing he was straight and there was no hope of anything happening between us. But I knew that the unspoken sexual tension was forcing a wedge between us and I had to be honest if I was to truly be a friend. We hardly spoke for the next three years. But to his credit our friendship is again strong and since he moved back to South Africa we see quite a bit of one another. That does not mean that the feelings I have for him have gone away. And that is tough.

I think that most relationships with exes where there are remnants of attraction would be difficult for this reason. I still believe this is the respective parties' own issue to deal with and part of life. In the case of my best friend, I know for example that the friendship is so valuable that I need to deal with the feelings I have for him.

That is hard and it is reminding me that I do not meet people I am attracted to in all respects very often at all. And that in the cases that I have, they have never had the same feelings for me. It has inspired a mini-depression and loneliness. Damn.