Am I doomed to repeat this?

I'm struggling right now.

I mentioned I'm in love again. And here.

After not seeing R for a long time while I was away and then he was busy with work, I saw quite a bit of him last week. I loved every moment. Braaing, out drinking and playing golf. Loved just chatting and shooting the breeze. Loved being close to him.

He seems at ease with me and we're just like a couple of boys together.

And it's that old thing of being grateful for each moment, but knowing that it will go no further. Seemingly pleasure and agony in equal measure.

Over the past year I've looked for people who are accessible - on Datingbuzz and Mamba. The guys I'm interested in are not interested in me. I'm not sure why. But it seems that the people I'm destined to love - and those I might - are unreachable.

I'm meeting with someone off Mamba for coffee tomorrow. He's not long term potential - I'm 36 and he is 23. But it might be fun, and I could do with some of that.


But even with that I'm just cut up about R.

How do I get through this?

I'm totally in love again. I've been I love with four people now. Three straight guys who are unavailable. And a girl who married someone else. The fatal attractions. The third straight guy who is unavailable is R, recently married. I love being around him, playing golf, etc. He's open minded - one of his best friends is gay - loves sport, etc. It's that love where you notice all the mannerisms, his hands, eyes, etc.

And while I grow closer to him and love him more and more, I know it will go nowhere. And it's killing me. I'm near depression again. I've now reached the desperation of trying the out and out gay pick up site Mamba's Meetmarket - the name says it all.

All the whys. Why can't he have been available to the anonymous email? Why another straight guy?

Damn. With apologies to Fight Club, this is my life and I'm dying one unrequited love at a time.

Fatal attractions?

Boy do I have a few.

Of course there is the straight best friend (M) (and here). He's still the person I fantasize about settling down with. Never going to happen but he is the benchmark. And still my best friend.

I got missed call from the girl of my dreams (Ng) (and here, here, and here) this week. Not sure what it was about. Despite her now married status, my heart still skipped a beat.

There is another really good friend (Nb). Probably the one friend who actually loves me. He phones and I hear the smile in his voice when we talk. He is married with two kids. If things were different he'd be the perfect guy to settle down with.

There is the guy who works at my client (R). The guy I hit on anonymously (and here). Who is now a very good friend. I had dinner with him, his wife and two gay friends of his on Friday night. He stopped by to watch the rugby at my house on Saturday. And I played golf with him today. Oh my word have I got the hots for him (no he does not know it was me that sent him the email).

Interestingly, I had dinner this week with the first guy I'd ever been with. Amazingly that was five years ago. What a sweet guy. He is still in a relationship, but things were really close to boiling over. They didn't. Damn.

Unrequited love has really bothered me. I love being with M, Ng, Nb and R. However, after I've been with them I do feel really down, knowing that despite how I feel about them, nothing will ever happen. And I wonder why I can't meet someone like them who is available. I am trying. The dating sites (here), the anonymous email to the guy I hoped might respond. With regards to girls, there is an opportunity, but she could be on the rebound and at 29 is likely to be looking for "the one." I'm not sure I can handle that pressure. With regard to guys, short of going to a gay club - something I really don't think is going to deliver an eligible guy - I'm not sure what more to do.

In the meantime I'm accumulating best friends I have feelings for. Damn.

Am I doomed to unrequited love?

Damn near seems that way. I fell for the girl of my dreams and lost her. I fell for my best friend who is straight. I love my next best friend and could easily spend my life with him. And I'm completely gaga about this guy I work with.

Since the days of the anonymous email, I have found a way to meet and get to know him. We played golf together on Sunday. I loved it. He is a truly beautiful guy. Really nice, very sporty and easy to get along with. And straight. And getting married next year.

He does not know it is me that sent the email. Maybe he suspects it somewhere. But happily we get along great.

I so want to be close to him. Dammit. Dammit Dammit.

In parallel, I'm fully aware that I seem to be falling for unavailable (straight) guys. And I've been chasing someone on an online dating site. To say that finding a normal guy or girl on a dating site is difficult is the mother of all understatements. But the only normal guy (it would seem) on Datingbuzz appears to be avoiding me.

So if you know anyone who fits the following profile, let me know:

Boy

Athletic - I had no idea this guy I'm gaga over was a sports achiever - turns out he was an age group SA wrestler and provincial tennis player. Must be something about his build and manner than gave that away.

Slim and strong - The guy I'm gaga over has these beautiful broad shoulders. My best friend has the best build I know.

Not a hunk - I don't fall for big hairy body builders. I seem to fall for the quietly strong, boyish types. Chad Micheal Murray types...

Imperfect achievers - guys who are not the obvious winner, but made it anyway.

Girl

Naturally pretty - can't stand overly made up women. I love natural ready to go girls.

Sporty - not necessarily girls who are sports stars, but certainly girls who like sports and are game.

Laid back and dressed up - girls who wear jeans but put on heels and a cocktail dress and blow a room away. Girls like Natalie Portman and Kiera Knightly.

Tall and slim - I'm 6'3". Girl's between 5'8" and 6' match me better.

Both

Intelligent - I love chatting about everything from art to sport to economics to politics. I get bored of superficiality.

Sensitive - I like people who care about the world and others. Who listen more than they speak. Who stand up for those weaker than them.

____

Seems impossible to find.

Will I ever love anyone else as much?

I played golf with my best friend the other day. I've written how I've been in love with him for what is now approaching 16 years. And I wrote how it is difficult being friends with him while I continue to feel the way I do about him despite his being straight and unavailable.

It's great being with him and both of us can just "be." No bullshit. We know one another inside out. We're similar in many ways. We studied together, we both love sports and fairly intellectual.

Which makes it difficult. Because there is the attraction part as well.

Added to this is the fact that he is a world class athlete (literally - he took up triathlon, part-time, outside his regular job, and qualified for the world champs in Hawaii) and has possibly the best body I've ever seen. I've had that head over heels love for him for years - the kind that loves his hands, feet, etc.

And despite being intensely private and knowing my feelings for him, he has now changed and showered with me after golf on two separate occasions. Which I've taken as a huge compliment emphasizing his trust in me.

But my god, seeing him naked. I've gone into a depression once again.

The worst part is knowing that even if I went out with a guy as physically beautiful as him, I'd struggle to find someone who I can be as happy with just sitting at a table having coffee with.

Is it possible to be friends with your exes?

It's probably a question we each grapple with.

Often relationships end in argument and I guess when things are on bad terms, it's easier to figure out the answer.

None of my relationships have ended on bad terms - from my side. One ex is a very good friend and it is easy to spend time with her.

Another ex was my perfect girl. We went through periods of tension and not talking. Then she made an effort and visited me on trips to Joburg, etc. Then suddenly no responses to my messages or any contact. Now I hear she is getting married in April. I'm irritated. Does this mean that even though she told me she was not keen, she maintained contact because she was still making up her mind and keeping her options open?

Another ex is my first and only ex boyfriend. Although I've tried to maintain contact, it's proved difficult and so I've moved on.

Perhaps the most difficult has been the realtionship with my best friend. I've known him for 12 years and been in love with him since pretty much the beginning. I told him that about 5 years ago knowing he was straight and there was no hope of anything happening between us. But I knew that the unspoken sexual tension was forcing a wedge between us and I had to be honest if I was to truly be a friend. We hardly spoke for the next three years. But to his credit our friendship is again strong and since he moved back to South Africa we see quite a bit of one another. That does not mean that the feelings I have for him have gone away. And that is tough.

I think that most relationships with exes where there are remnants of attraction would be difficult for this reason. I still believe this is the respective parties' own issue to deal with and part of life. In the case of my best friend, I know for example that the friendship is so valuable that I need to deal with the feelings I have for him.

That is hard and it is reminding me that I do not meet people I am attracted to in all respects very often at all. And that in the cases that I have, they have never had the same feelings for me. It has inspired a mini-depression and loneliness. Damn.