Wednesday, December 22, 2004

How do you deal with rejection?

So I'm in Cape Town on holiday. Night number three and out with Kiera-girl. Oh my god. This girl is gorgeous. And we get on so well.

Long dinner. She tells me she's been 5 weeks without doing coke. I am so proud of her. We have funny conversation about "Gums and Noses" - a great SA movie about coke in SA advertising that I saw on DSTV the other night.

Not sure how we got onto the subject but she tells me about her ex who lives in Mauritius. She's still in love with him and has provisional flights booked to go and see him. She and her brother have had big fights about this guy - he thinks this guy is abusing his sister: he ignores her unless he wants her around.

Much later in the evening - and many drinks later. Things are going very well and we've been getting along great. I tell her I want to kiss her. Oh dear. I see panic in her eyes. I get the friends speech. We have a long chat. I tell her I am fine with being friends, but I do think she's an awesome girl. I won't initiate things again, 'cause I don't want things to be awkward between us. Jeez and do things feel awkward at that moment. I make light of it and say we'll have to figure out some way for her to initiate things if she ever feels like jumping me. She tells me that's fine but she doesn't want me putting my life on hold or accusing her of leading me on at some later date. I tell her there's no danger of that. I will see other girls and hope that things might one day work out between us but not expect anything. Then follows a long conversation about why guys chase girls. I get an insight into Kiera-girl's life as she tells me about how she continually gets hit on and is desperate for people around her who want to be her friend and not just get her into bed. She shows me an sms from this potential client of her's asking her out. Anyway, long conversation after-which ridiculous drinking and dancing.

This wasn't really a surprise. We dated for a while in Cape Town earlier this year, and she came to visit me in Jo'burg after that. I asked her to be my girlfriend and she asked just to be friends - she wasn't ready for more. Things have been going well recently in phone conversations and this was one of the best dates I've ever been on. So it felt right to test things again.

Jeez I really like this girl. I love being with her. I love holding her. I am honored that she wants to be my friend and know that if things grow from there we'd have a fantastic relationship. But I know I can't put things on hold and that if I have expectations she will put distance between us. It seems like she's already doing that today. She couldn't really talk on the phone.

I'm torn by this whole thing. I first met this girl when I was at a 21st - 10 years ago. I remember seeing her across the table and thinking she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever met. I didn't meet her again until earlier this year. It just feels like she's the right girl for me. I've been in love before. It was unrequited and after much pain I moved on. I hope I don't have to go through that again.

No comments: