Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Am I gay?

Not exactly a question that drives most of us mad, but a few may have considered it.

Why don't we all ask the question? Well I guess there are a few possible answers:

  • We push the question out of our minds because we're so uncomfortable with society's / our friends' / our family's reaction to the potential answer

  • We are revolted at the thought of gay life and wouldn't even consider being with someone of the same sex - not even a kiss - yugh!

  • We are just so straight (attracted to the opposite sex) it's not even a possibility

  • Being gay would mean being less male / female

  • If we were prepared to ask the question, then the answer must be obvious - we're gay.

  • There is a question?

  • Well those of you who read this blog know that I question most things.

    It's not exactly a new question.

    Some years ago I fell in love with my best friend. Before this I'd felt attracted to some guys, but rationalised it away. So isn't the answer obvious then? Thing is, just as I'm attracted to some guys, I'm still attracted to some girls. See for example Keira, Natalie and Scarlett. Big fan. And believe me, the thought of most guys fills me with the typical guy reaction - yugh! So I'm bisexual then. Right?

    Never one to go with the flow, the real question for me has been why would I feel either way.

    I guess this comes down to the nature vs. nurture question. Let me say right now I'm a big believer in the nurture side of things. Babe raised by wolves thinks it's a wolf, behaves like a wolf, etc. I always think there is truth in both sides of any argument, and so I hear the fact that some people might be predisposed to being gay or not.

    And let me say that I hear the argument that says just go with what feels right. I'm not a big believer in this though. I like to know why or if there is a why. Yeah, if I can't figure out the why, or realise there is no specific why, then I'll go with the feeling.

    Let me also say that I completely hear the argument that says be true to yourself. I'm ready to be straight or gay - or bi. Easy to say, but I do believe that living a lie is pointless and not only hurts you but all those around you.

    So why might I feel one way or the other? And does the why matter?

    It's funny. I'm attracted to guys who could be me - only better. Better looking, better at sports achievement, whatever. Complication - they're always straight.

    Like the best friend. Wow. The ultimate over-achiever - sports and life in general. Good looking. I told him about it and we lost touch for about three years. He's in a different country. We correspond now and talk on the phone and will doubtless get together in the future. He's pretty supportive and has only really said "Be true to yourself" with regard to my discussion with him from three years ago.

    Maybe it's an overachiever / perfectionist thing. I believe that what some of us look for in girls is based on the same issue - we're as good as the fish we catch. Doesn't just have to be girls. It could be any of the trophies of success such as cars, houses, etc.

    But why guys? I struggled for approval / fighting unfair times at school. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still looking for approval.

    So that's the over-rationalising part of me. I'm sure many people will just say "Deee Ni Al!"

    Never one to attack things from one angle, after years of putting it off, I bit the bullet (so to speak) recently and went out with a gay guy. It was fun, but frankly, no more fireworks than I've had with some girls.

    I smiled at eKapa's strip joint experience recently. Those girls didn't feel my hipbone. HA HA HA. But there's another post (Oy vey, the pun opportunities are endless, aren't they).

    David Bowie was once asked about his sexuality (given the Ziggy Stardust days, not surprising). They asked if he was bi-sexual. He replied, "Actually I think I'm tri-sexual - I went through a phase where I'd try anything!"

    I'll experiment some more and we'll see. At the same time I'm working on being happier with me. I've been pretty happy with me for the last 10 years or so. I have achieved. I'm good looking. I have a good sense of humour. I'm fun to be with.

    I know the secret is getting over myself. Part of that is forgiving the kid that was me from a long time ago. He was a pretty good kid. Didn't deserve a lot of the shit he went through, which was more about the other kids than it was about him.

    I'm also pretty secure in who I am. I adore sport. I love being a typically straight acting guy. Whether I am straight or gay won't change or endanger that.

    Wow. Funny how we tend to challenge everything at the same time isn't it? Interesting times.


    andrea said...

    My initial reaction to your question after reading a few paragraphs was that you have discovered that we really fall in love with a *person*, no matter what their gender/sexual orientation (or ours). It seems like a highly evolved way to think and behave. However then you threw me with the high achiever thing. You know, the hero worship/reflected glory thing. Not so highly evolved. Maybe it's a little of each, i.e. the whole goddess/whore thing in a new context.

    I discovered something interesting recently when an acquaintance finally came out of the closet at 29. The thing is, her father is gay and a strong supporter of the pride movement. It just goes to show you that it's never easy to sort these things out, even with the supposed best/most balanced of role modelling, no matter what your sexual orientation.

    It is the question said...

    Yeah. I'm loath to accept things at face value.

    Psychologically, so much of how we perceive the world is based on where we're coming from. I believe that this is nowhere more true than in the bedroom (I think Freud did too!)

    I am not saying that being gay is an indication of psycological issues!!!

    However, if we truly examine someone and ask if / why we love them, inevitably we must ask, do we love them because of a deficiency in us?

    I see so many people who fall for a girl / guy because they make them feel better about themselves. They fall out of love when they discover that despite the partner, they're still the same person with the same issues.

    ChittyChittyBangBang! said...

    I think there is more to your specific situation than just being gay or str8. The hero worship and the fact that you are “attracted to guys who could be me - only better. Better looking, better at sports achievement, whatever” threw me too. I think perhaps you need to explore this particular issue further. Not being privvy to the details, perhaps the answer to this lies somewhere in your past and how you see your future.
    I understand your need to know why, but that also tells me that you are far from accepting the issues surrounding your sexuality. I also believe that you are extremely tough on yourself.
    I am not going to jump onto the “accept yourself" and "go with the flow” bandwagon. You are the only person that can get yourself to that point. I hope you find the answers soon.
    As for asking the question - been there. I think every person at one time another will meet a person of the same sex they feel attracted to. It may not be sexual and could be for a variety of reasons. The deal is to recognise it for what it is and not to punish oneself because of it.

    It is the question said...

    Thanks dude. You seem to understand where I am. Thanks for your honesty.

    I wonder if we all go through this. I know many guys who'd rather stab themselves than consider considering the question!

    I am tough on myself. I only really got that tough on me towards the end of varsity and never really forgave myself for not being tougher on myself before.

    That said, I'm surprisely at ease about this whole thing. You're right - I am not ready to accept that I am gay - or straight for that matter. The "at ease" part comes from knowing that however that turns out, I'll be OK.

    I think the best art of where I am is that being unmarried (and apparently eligible) at 31, I am so used to suspicion that I am gay from friends (and probably family) that I am completely over caring what other people think. I also know that my best friends will still be my best friends - we have gay friends already.

    So that means it's just up to me.

    kyknoord said...

    The thing is, you know that you are attracted to women, so the question is really whether you are bi or not. Of course, you do know that there's a relatively straightforward (hah!) way to find out.

    It is the question said...

    Sorry Kyknoord, I don't know you very well, and I'm scared of Mrs Kyknoord...

    eKapa said...

    reading this post, i could easily have written it. i've always said that i'm not attracted to a sex but rather a personality...a being...a human...and whether that's a male or female doesnt make a difference, although in all honesty, male would probably be the overall winner.

    It is the question said...

    MMmm. I agree about the personality thing - there are people who I just want to be around.

    However, there is something physical. Hands, smile, etc. There is something about a type of masculinity - the "me but better" part. That's the part I'm trying to decode.