Funny thing. Some things I'm quite self confident in. Like business. I know I'm good and had all the affirmation I need. Like setting promotion records etc.
When it comes to being seen as attractive, especially by guys - not necessarily to someone, just by them - I feel inadequate. There are a few events that precipitated this. And no matter what has happened since, I've never felt happy with myself.
Something got me thinking of five big moments for me. Not that big in the scheme of things. But memories that make me smile.
Once as a Spur waiter it came time for the dessert order. I asked the group of rowdy middle aged ladies what they'd like for dessert. "We'd like you on a plate," they replied. I responded deadpan, "And would you like me with cream or icecream?" I think I got a big tip.
There was the time I was at a Bon Jovi concert and a women stopped me as I walked past. I turned round and she made me turn round again to have my back facing her. She lifted the sweater round my waist to show my backside to her friends who approved loudly.
And the biggest affirmation? At a fair going into a beer tent, as a friend and I walked in, two young guys were coming out. The one stepped back and pulled his friend back. "Better let this guy through - he's built!" he said smiling at me. I was playing club rugby at the time and pretty strong. It was one of the few moments I've had affirmation from other guys.
The other was when I was playing touch rugby as we entered my matric rugby season. I scored a try that made the other team look silly. One of the first team guys said to me, "Wow, are you playing this season?" It was great. Unfortunately I broke my collar bone badly in the third practice of the season. But I remember that touch rugby game and the comment well.
When I was playing touch on the beach in a random game a friend and I joined, I again made a few people look silly and this guy on the other side who was pretty good and built like a brick shithouse came up to me and asked where I played club rugby.
Funny how context determines importance. Meaningless comments that due to my context became memories that meant something.
What is also weird is how context misleads us. Misleads us into thinking that achieving something will solve an internal dissatisfaction. Madonna was once being interviewed when she explained how she had wanted to be loved and fame became the ultimate means of achieving that on a grand scale. She then told how standing in front of 100 000 adoring sycophantic fans turned out to be the loneliest she had ever been.
It's tough because while you know that's true, you still have to go through the emotional process of dealing with your shit. No one else can do it for you.