I've been going through a journey of self discovery and recently come out of my first gay relationship.
I'm still confused and decided to go to therapy to provide some structure to my thinking.
I know I need to figure things out for myself and am OK with things turning out either way. I just want to know that whoever I settle with is the right person and not because I'm desperately seeking acceptance from the guys I once was at school with (which is a long time ago and really pathetic).
For me, accepting myself is key to being able to see the real attractiveness of the other person and not being blinded by an attraction to something that somehow makes me feel better about myself.
I worry that I am dealing with the trophy wife syndrome - except that because of my issues it needs to be a trophy guy. Which is pretty fucked up. Basically, I believe that many people look for a wife, a car, a house that says something about them. I wonder if Lolly Jackson's wife has big tits, blonde hair...
Because I wasn't the kid I wanted to be at school, I think I might be looking for a guy that was that person.
Sexuality is a funny thing. So much of how we see the world is framed by how we want other people to perceive us. Most of the time we're not aware of that. And given that sexuality is driven by our most unconscious desires, lots of screwed up underlying thoughts can interfere there.
So my shrink (who I think is very gay - and therefore a somewhat partisan cheerleader) has suggested we try some radical acceptance therapy. Which I have used with clients in business and I think is a good idea. The premise is that you cannot move on with something until you accept the status quo (example: screaming and shouting because a wall in a house is purple. You can scream and shout, but the wall stays purple. Only when you calm down and say, "The wall is purple," can you go out and buy some white paint). Which when applied to oneself says, this is who I am. This isn't necessarily aimed at sexuality, but some of the other issues.
Ultimately, once I've done a bit of work at giving myself a break, I know I've got to go with what makes me happy. I might not have reversed the moments in my life that have made me turn out who I am. I may not even understand them. And who I am is a pretty good guy. Maybe I'll finally just think that I was born confused and go with what feels most comfortable.