What's sane?

Moving, just keep moving,
Till I don't know what's sane,
I've been moving so long,
The days all feel the same,

Moving, just keep moving,
Well I don't know why to stay,
No ties to bind me,
No reasons to remain,

Got a low, low feeling around me,
And a stone cold feeling inside,
And I just can't stop messing my mind up,
Or wasting my time,

There's a mow, low feeling around me,
And a stone cold feeling inside,
I've got to find somebody to help me,
I keep you in mind,

So I'll keep moving, just keep moving,
Well I don't know who I am,
No need to follow,
There's no way back again,

Moving, keep on moving,
Where I feel I'm home again,
And when it's over,
I'll see you again,

Got a low, low feeling around me,
And a stone cold feeling inside,
And I just can't stop messing my mind up,
Or wasting my time,

There's a low, low feeling around me,
And a stone cold feeling inside,
I've got to find somebody to help me,
I keep you in mind.

Moving, Supergrass, 1999

Is there anybody out there?

Once upon a time I lived with depression. It feels like being stuck in mud. The more you fight the more it seems to suck you down.

I fell in love with Pink Floyd's lyrics - more specifically, Roger Waters' lyrics and more specifically, those of the epic album, The Wall.

Now I'm back there. Trying to help a friend. Feeling the mud around my ankles. Knowing the words of the songs without even playing the CD.

Hey You - Pink Floyd, lyrics by Roger Waters, 1979

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you, standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you, don’t help them to bury the light
Don’t give in without a fight.

Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
Hey you, with you ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out
Would you touch me?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I’m coming home.

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high,
As you can see.
No matter how he tried,
He could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey you, standing in the road
Always doing what you’re told,
Can you help me?
Hey you, out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall,
Can you help me?
Hey you, don’t tell me there’s no hope at all
Together we stand, divided we fall.

---

And now I really know the meaning of the final song on the album.

Outside the Wall - Pink Floyd, lyrics by Roger Waters, 1979

All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really know you,
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand,
Some gather together in bands,
The bleeding hearts and artists,
Make their stand.
And when they’ve given you their all,
Some stagger and fall.
After all it’s not easy,
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.

---

While depression survives on "I deserve to feel sad - so I will," it very slowly begins to crack when somewhere deep inside you make a choice: "I'm going to do something difficult - I'm going to do something I don't feel like doing - if I was happy I would do it."

Those choices are so fundamental, so seemingly small. They start with, "I choose to live."

They then seem to become so much more mundane, "I choose to get up today. I choose to give one thing my best today. I choose to see something positive."

One day at a time. Saying, "I'm going to beat this" is too much. But saying, "I'm going to do one thing more today" helps.

Self awareness is absolutely key. Recognising self-destructive behaviour. Choosing to beat it. Easy to say. Difficult to do.

I only knew I'd done it when I threw away "The Internet guide to suicide." And that only happened after months of pain.

The most difficult thing about depression is that no one can tell you anything that helps. It is an absolutely personal disease. Only the sufferer can choose to respond.

Will you see past the pain?

I say it to you 20 times a day now
I love you
I look at you and smile
Just to see you.

You lose yourself
You retreat into your head
You rock your leg
As you hurt.

I hug you close
I whisper to you
I shake you
Hoping you'll see.

You hug me back
You smile for a while
You wince
As you think of what is not.

I feel the confusion
I feel the pain
I feel the hurt
As I miss being closer.

You avoid reminders
You wish we hadn't
You pull away
And try to forget.

I cannot forget
I will not forget
I let you get closer
And it felt good.

Some parts didn't work
Some of what we shared pulled us apart
Some of our issues
Ripped at our hearts.

You need friends now
Someone to lean on
I'm waiting right here
Someone who loves you.

Will you choose to live?

You screamed
You punched me
You cried for your pills
You fought as I restrained you
Until I couldn't take it anymore.

I screamed for you to unlock the gate
I punched the shatterprufe to try and get in
I cried while you slipped away in your flat
I fought to pull the security gate from the wall
And after I broke a lock I found you.

You were better in your slapped-awake drugged state
You giggled at being in your pyjamas
You smiled as I rushed through the morning streets
You liked me again as I rushed you into ER
Then you hated me for saving you.

I am terrified
I got lucky twice
I know I probably won't again
I prayed and God answered
But only you can decide to live.

You can't see your successes
You can't see my love
You are so scared of the future
You can't see the now
And your past pulls you down.

I can't say anything more
I can't find any other ways to show my love
I can't live for you
I am so scared of going to sleep at night
And getting up - mourning.