Who will bare witness to your life?

At a friend's recent wedding he told how he had read the above somewhere and how he had found that person in his new wife. That life was richer for having someone to bare testimony.

While I'm fairly self sufficient, it is something I identify with. As I grew up I was taught that telling someone of your achievements was boasting and equivalent to sin.

It has meant that my successes in the latter part of my life have been largely my own. I have not even told my parents. No one.

So I'll tell this anonymous blog.

• After being sick in my first year, I repeated through UNISA. I aced everything. Stung by being excluded from UCT, I had a point to prove. It was the first year of my life that I'd actually risked failure and really worked. Until then, I think fear of failure meant that I held back, using lack of effort as an excuse. My aggregate was stratospheric. UCT accepted me back the following year.


• After chronically underachieving at school and in my undergraduate career, I graduated with a first class honours from UCT. I was 3rd in the class, but it was a big improvement.


• After a year at an accounting company, I moved to an international strategy consulting company. One of the top 3 in the world. After a solid start and first promotion, I was promoted through the second rung in record time. My promotion was presided over by the head of our London office and the it was globally the fastest anyone had been promoted through senior to managing consultant ever. The record was never broken to my knowledge.


• While a junior consultant I sold work in the first two projects I was ever involved in.


• As a senior consultant I was asked to lead a project and manage client interaction. This was unheard of below managing consultant. The client was a director with years of experience managing consulting contracts at SAB. He told my bosses I was one of the best consultants he'd ever worked with.


• While still a senior consultant I was asked to join the strategic management forum of the business. Some more senior colleagues objected and were told that if they didn't like it, they could leave.


• I won awards every year they were offered. From innovation awards about three times, to best consultant.


• As a managing consultant I worked with a Director in London. He wrote one of the world's best selling handbooks on strategy and was a partner in two of the world's leading consulting businesses. He brought me in to advise a company he owned a substantial stake in. He told my bosses that I was one of the most promising consultants he'd ever worked with.


• While a managing consultant I built a team of 8 consultants under me that I recruited from industry. I sold and delivered work with them around the globe.


• At 26 I sold strategic advice to South Africa's leading financial services provider. I remained advisor to the MD for two years.


• I was promoted to Principal at 27. The youngest in the history of the South African office.


• I was debt free at 30 with a paid off house and car. This seems minor but in the context of my upbringing it freed me of the fears of my parents who worked their whole lives to pay off their house, car and provide the best they could for their children.


• At 31, I was asked to take the managing director position of the South African branch of a global company, execute a merger and manage a staff of over 70 people. I turned this down to start my own consulting company.


• I took 9 months off after being emotionally exhausted and burnt out. I studied economics III through UNISA for a third major, 11 years after studying economics II. I aced it and came top of the class.


• I started studying another honours part time, this time in economics, through WITS last year. It is a two year course. At the half way mark at the end of last year I was a fraction off a distinction and top of the class. With my work load this year I'm way off this standard and miserable about it.


• I have now been running my company for about a year and a half. If she agrees, I'm taking in a director of a listed company as a partner. I'm employing consultants. And I've signed a 5 year lease on new offices.


• One of my current clients is a leading investment bank. Two weeks ago, one of the CFOs told the exco that I am the best consultant ever to work with the organisation.

Why am I telling an anonymous blog? Because it illustrates the point. After underachieving I've done quite a lot over a number of years. But no one knows and there is no one to bare testimony. If I got hit by a car tomorrow, not even my parents would know that I actually did some special things. I want someone to share the secret. Someone who finds me special without knowing any of the above. And then one day hears me share and is surprised but loves me no more and no less.

How do you find someone special?

So I'm handling my "rejection" from my anonymous approach poorly.

Of course the guy was straight, engaged, etc, etc.

But it followed my tough time after I'd seen the guy I love and can't have.

I don't fall for many guys or girls. It's weird though. I'll meet a guy or girl and I'll be "Wow. This person's special."

They're not stereotypically hot either. Sure, they're usually something special - but different. And there's something else about them. I once wrote, "..like me but better." And they're usually really nice / good people.

They're not a brainless babe, a bulging hunk, an alpha male, etc.

So I obsess and put them on pedestals. Even a guy I've not said more than two words to. He becomes unattainable bliss.

Maybe the fantasy of something working out with the guy/girl of my dreams helps keep me going through loneliness, overwork, etc. Maybe they need to be unattainable so I never have to deal with their flaws. Maybe...

In the meantime, I'm dying. I'm under so much work and study pressure right now. Despite the fact that I hardly know the guy I emailed, he's obliging and cute and he's like me in that he has succeeded at work at a young age. I think the thought of meeting someone similar made this guy even more attractive. Damn. I want to meet someone to share things with. Someone who gets excited by the same things, someone who'll understand.

UPDATE: How do you hit on someone at work?

Oh crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap crap crap!

After waiting for a week for my response, I sent another email today.

06/05/2008 19:08
Subject FW: Hey

Hi XXX

Did you get my email?

Perhaps you were a bit freaked out? I know I would have been if I'd got an
email like that! Sorry if that's the case.

If it helps, I have no idea whether you would meet a guy for a drink.
Frankly, you appear straight. I approached you merely because I thought you
were attractive and a nice guy. I'm a young guy in (hopefully!) the same
situation. I am certainly not openly into other guys - the anonymous email
should tell you that.

Anyway, before I tie myself into any more knots with this awkward approach,
let me know or tell me if the approach is too concerning to you / you're
not interested. (And feel free to continue this conversation from a non-YYY
email!)

Cheers

The original email:


Subject: Hey
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:14:45 +0200

Hi XXX

This is a bit of a strange email.

I work with at you at YYY but don't really know you. You seem like a nice
and attractive guy.

Thing is I'm another guy. Hopefully also nice and attractive. Pretty
normal bloke really.

Would you meet another guy for a drink?

I wanted to keep this anonymous until I'd got the potentially
embarrassing introduction out the way.

Cheers


To which I got the response:

Hi.

Yes, I was a bit freaked out, you never know if there are idiots out there
who would think sending something like this would be funny, you seem
sincere though.

Unfortunately I am straight and recently got engaged so wont be taking you
up on your offer.

Best of luck on finding someone special.

Kind regards,

So this anonymous email approach is quicker and safer than spending ages getting acquainted with someone hot and then finding out they're definitely unavailable.

But how I wish he was. I really am beginning to be concerned at my attraction to unavailable straight guys.

How do you hit on someone at work?

This is complicated enough when you're a guy hitting on a girl. It's very complicated when you're a closet bi guy hitting on a guy.

It's even more complicated when the "work" is a client organisation.

Anyway. Very attractive guy is a contractor at my client.

So after a while I came up with a brainwave: how about a polite anonymous email?

Of course this could still all go horribly wrong. He could see the anonymity as cowardly. He could play along and then expose me. Or he could be scared and think this is someone playing a practical joke on him.

Or he could just be straight.

Sadly, he and I were both on leave this week. So I got the "XXX is out of the office..."

Let's freaking hope he did not set his work mail to auto-forward to a colleague...

Will I ever love anyone else as much?

I played golf with my best friend the other day. I've written how I've been in love with him for what is now approaching 16 years. And I wrote how it is difficult being friends with him while I continue to feel the way I do about him despite his being straight and unavailable.

It's great being with him and both of us can just "be." No bullshit. We know one another inside out. We're similar in many ways. We studied together, we both love sports and fairly intellectual.

Which makes it difficult. Because there is the attraction part as well.

Added to this is the fact that he is a world class athlete (literally - he took up triathlon, part-time, outside his regular job, and qualified for the world champs in Hawaii) and has possibly the best body I've ever seen. I've had that head over heels love for him for years - the kind that loves his hands, feet, etc.

And despite being intensely private and knowing my feelings for him, he has now changed and showered with me after golf on two separate occasions. Which I've taken as a huge compliment emphasizing his trust in me.

But my god, seeing him naked. I've gone into a depression once again.

The worst part is knowing that even if I went out with a guy as physically beautiful as him, I'd struggle to find someone who I can be as happy with just sitting at a table having coffee with.

Can you dance?

Hells bells.

I just watched Step Up 2 The Streets. If there is a alter ego inside of me it is a performer - dancer or singer.

You know I think Daniel "Cloud" Campos is amazing. Well the kids in Step Up 2 are truly brilliant too.




Man I'd love to dance like that. For years, I've been going to various clubs that would be called black due to the predominance of the club being black. In fact, some times I've been the only white guy in the club. Mostly they're East African patronized. The French African music is intoxicating. I also go to South African patronized black clubs - they're far more hip hop oriented. Funny. Perhaps because of my lack of inhibition in a black club and something about me being able to dance to the music, I can dance with the best girl dancer on the floor. Which is why I've almost been killed twice. Boyfriends don't like me.

It's weird. I'm a very average ballroom dancer, but with hip-hop I've got rhythm. In fact, on my last visit to Moloko, I was fairly quietly dancing off the dancefloor and this bloke comes up to me. "Hey dude, you've got black rhythm." Jeez, I was happy for the rest of the night.

But man, I wish I could really dance. The dancing in Step Up is like a mix of Urban and gymnastics.

Watch Save the Last Dance to learn about Hip Hop dancing. Good movie too.

Oh, by the way, the Step Up 2 soundtrack is sizzling. My neighbours have been suffering for the last two weeks!

Is South African violence the thin end of the wedge for the rest of the world?

It's not difficult tying the violence we see in South Africa to the horrific upbringings many poor kids have in South African townships.

But to think that our problems with violence are unique is to ignore the growing trend of mob mad kids in the UK, US, etc. Whether it's the uprisings against Lebanese in Sydney, the anarchy on the streets of Paris, or the kid who makes a UK teacher's work impossible, The kids aren't alright as The Offspring song goes.

Read the horrific article in today's Sunday Times about the chav kid mobs in the UK who are running amok and beating adults to a pulp.

Are we headed for a Lord of the Flies culture? The problem is global. And the solution is not locking up a lost generation as is happening in the US and UK. Certainly many kids are monsters and possibly beyond redemption. They belong in jail.

But ultimately, we have to intervene to ensure no parents are allowed to create psychopathic monsters. How do you do that? Prophylactic injections to stop people convicted of domestic violence from having kids? Reworking social welfare to incentivize fewer and not more kids? Better institutions for orphans?

With an estimated 2 million aids orphans in the care of relative or village elders in South Africa, it is not difficult to see why we are not different, merely worse off.

The Kids Aren't Alright - The Offspring

When we were young the future was so bright (whoa)
The old neighborhood was so alive (whoa)
And every kid on the whole damn street (whoa)
was gonna make it big in every beat.

Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn (whoa)
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn(whoa)
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives?

Chorus:
Chances thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for
What used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives
Shattered dreams

Go!

Jamie had a chance, well she really did (whoa)
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids (whoa)
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job (whoa)
Just plays guitar, smokes a lot of pot

Jay commited suicide (whoa)
Brandon OD'd and died (whoa)
What the hell is going on?
Cruelest dream reality

Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

Go!

Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

Is Zuma our OJ Simpson?

Not for the first time, I was reminded today of the parallels between Zuma in South Africa with OJ Simpson in the States.

I read the rather excellent Guardian piece reprinted in the Mail and Guardian.

The psychology behind popular black support for heroes on trial by what is seen as white establishment is obvious. It is the same warped sense of indentity that causes otherwise reasonable whites to support a white Skierlik murderer or a depraved set of white boys making fun of black workers old enough to be their parents in their Reitz hostel video.

The Guardian article says of the original OJ Simpson Los Angeles trial: "The trial became less about the killings and more about a city's terrible relations with its black population. Occurring not long after the Rodney King riots of 1992, Simpson became a symbol for black power in the face of white authority."

It is not difficult to understand the support for Zuma of those with nothing to lose in South Africa on similar grounds. To them, he represents the black masses marginalised by first the whites and then the connected black elite who appear to have got rich with little regard for those who put them in power. Zuma's guilt of rape or corruption is secondary to the symbolism of taking back power by those in the majority.

This is of course alarming to those who somehow avoid the politics of race and condemn equally the crimes of those who commit them. The reality of a justice blind to race and popularity seems endangered - if it ever existed. The inequality of its application under apartheid would suggest not, and that it is rather an aspiration people hoped for in 1994.

The tale of OJ Simpson offers hope to those. The Gaurdian states: "There has been a fundamental shift in racial attitudes to Simpson. Once, 71% of black Americans believed he was innocent. That's fallen to 40%. It is likely to have collapsed further in the wake of his book. 'A lot of black people have changed their minds. Afterwards he did not try to reach out to them. He just moved to Florida and played golf,' says Manny Otiko, a black cartoonist and comedian."

Already it seems Zuma's support has questioned his willow-bend-in-the-wind poltical posturing.

Perhaps we too are moving towards a day where voters will choose between a woman and a black man based on issues rather than a left / right split.

Do you get artificial toe nails?

I ask as I'm about to lose one. On my middle toe on my left foot.

I went to a batchelor's party in the bush last night and somehow tripped and ripped off a toenail. Despite the fact that I was wearing shoes.

I have no memory of the incident - it was a sleepover batchelors at a game lodge. And I got nailed in a game of coinage. Bastards.

So I drove back today and went to hospital where the full damage under the blood and gore became clear.

Since even the root got torn out, the doctor reckons there is no chance of the nail regrowing.

I'm very fussy about feet. I find horrid toes and feet a turnoff. So I'm particularly dismayed at my impending mutilation.

Damn.

The only lucky thing is that the doctor reckoned I should be in screaming agony. Yet the pain is bearable. Small mercies.

Is it possible to be friends with your exes?

It's probably a question we each grapple with.

Often relationships end in argument and I guess when things are on bad terms, it's easier to figure out the answer.

None of my relationships have ended on bad terms - from my side. One ex is a very good friend and it is easy to spend time with her.

Another ex was my perfect girl. We went through periods of tension and not talking. Then she made an effort and visited me on trips to Joburg, etc. Then suddenly no responses to my messages or any contact. Now I hear she is getting married in April. I'm irritated. Does this mean that even though she told me she was not keen, she maintained contact because she was still making up her mind and keeping her options open?

Another ex is my first and only ex boyfriend. Although I've tried to maintain contact, it's proved difficult and so I've moved on.

Perhaps the most difficult has been the realtionship with my best friend. I've known him for 12 years and been in love with him since pretty much the beginning. I told him that about 5 years ago knowing he was straight and there was no hope of anything happening between us. But I knew that the unspoken sexual tension was forcing a wedge between us and I had to be honest if I was to truly be a friend. We hardly spoke for the next three years. But to his credit our friendship is again strong and since he moved back to South Africa we see quite a bit of one another. That does not mean that the feelings I have for him have gone away. And that is tough.

I think that most relationships with exes where there are remnants of attraction would be difficult for this reason. I still believe this is the respective parties' own issue to deal with and part of life. In the case of my best friend, I know for example that the friendship is so valuable that I need to deal with the feelings I have for him.

That is hard and it is reminding me that I do not meet people I am attracted to in all respects very often at all. And that in the cases that I have, they have never had the same feelings for me. It has inspired a mini-depression and loneliness. Damn.