How do you find someone special?

So I'm handling my "rejection" from my anonymous approach poorly.

Of course the guy was straight, engaged, etc, etc.

But it followed my tough time after I'd seen the guy I love and can't have.

I don't fall for many guys or girls. It's weird though. I'll meet a guy or girl and I'll be "Wow. This person's special."

They're not stereotypically hot either. Sure, they're usually something special - but different. And there's something else about them. I once wrote, "..like me but better." And they're usually really nice / good people.

They're not a brainless babe, a bulging hunk, an alpha male, etc.

So I obsess and put them on pedestals. Even a guy I've not said more than two words to. He becomes unattainable bliss.

Maybe the fantasy of something working out with the guy/girl of my dreams helps keep me going through loneliness, overwork, etc. Maybe they need to be unattainable so I never have to deal with their flaws. Maybe...

In the meantime, I'm dying. I'm under so much work and study pressure right now. Despite the fact that I hardly know the guy I emailed, he's obliging and cute and he's like me in that he has succeeded at work at a young age. I think the thought of meeting someone similar made this guy even more attractive. Damn. I want to meet someone to share things with. Someone who gets excited by the same things, someone who'll understand.

UPDATE: How do you hit on someone at work?

Oh crap. Crap, crap, crap, crap crap crap!

After waiting for a week for my response, I sent another email today.

06/05/2008 19:08
Subject FW: Hey

Hi XXX

Did you get my email?

Perhaps you were a bit freaked out? I know I would have been if I'd got an
email like that! Sorry if that's the case.

If it helps, I have no idea whether you would meet a guy for a drink.
Frankly, you appear straight. I approached you merely because I thought you
were attractive and a nice guy. I'm a young guy in (hopefully!) the same
situation. I am certainly not openly into other guys - the anonymous email
should tell you that.

Anyway, before I tie myself into any more knots with this awkward approach,
let me know or tell me if the approach is too concerning to you / you're
not interested. (And feel free to continue this conversation from a non-YYY
email!)

Cheers

The original email:


Subject: Hey
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008 14:14:45 +0200

Hi XXX

This is a bit of a strange email.

I work with at you at YYY but don't really know you. You seem like a nice
and attractive guy.

Thing is I'm another guy. Hopefully also nice and attractive. Pretty
normal bloke really.

Would you meet another guy for a drink?

I wanted to keep this anonymous until I'd got the potentially
embarrassing introduction out the way.

Cheers


To which I got the response:

Hi.

Yes, I was a bit freaked out, you never know if there are idiots out there
who would think sending something like this would be funny, you seem
sincere though.

Unfortunately I am straight and recently got engaged so wont be taking you
up on your offer.

Best of luck on finding someone special.

Kind regards,

So this anonymous email approach is quicker and safer than spending ages getting acquainted with someone hot and then finding out they're definitely unavailable.

But how I wish he was. I really am beginning to be concerned at my attraction to unavailable straight guys.

How do you hit on someone at work?

This is complicated enough when you're a guy hitting on a girl. It's very complicated when you're a closet bi guy hitting on a guy.

It's even more complicated when the "work" is a client organisation.

Anyway. Very attractive guy is a contractor at my client.

So after a while I came up with a brainwave: how about a polite anonymous email?

Of course this could still all go horribly wrong. He could see the anonymity as cowardly. He could play along and then expose me. Or he could be scared and think this is someone playing a practical joke on him.

Or he could just be straight.

Sadly, he and I were both on leave this week. So I got the "XXX is out of the office..."

Let's freaking hope he did not set his work mail to auto-forward to a colleague...

Will I ever love anyone else as much?

I played golf with my best friend the other day. I've written how I've been in love with him for what is now approaching 16 years. And I wrote how it is difficult being friends with him while I continue to feel the way I do about him despite his being straight and unavailable.

It's great being with him and both of us can just "be." No bullshit. We know one another inside out. We're similar in many ways. We studied together, we both love sports and fairly intellectual.

Which makes it difficult. Because there is the attraction part as well.

Added to this is the fact that he is a world class athlete (literally - he took up triathlon, part-time, outside his regular job, and qualified for the world champs in Hawaii) and has possibly the best body I've ever seen. I've had that head over heels love for him for years - the kind that loves his hands, feet, etc.

And despite being intensely private and knowing my feelings for him, he has now changed and showered with me after golf on two separate occasions. Which I've taken as a huge compliment emphasizing his trust in me.

But my god, seeing him naked. I've gone into a depression once again.

The worst part is knowing that even if I went out with a guy as physically beautiful as him, I'd struggle to find someone who I can be as happy with just sitting at a table having coffee with.

Can you dance?

Hells bells.

I just watched Step Up 2 The Streets. If there is a alter ego inside of me it is a performer - dancer or singer.

You know I think Daniel "Cloud" Campos is amazing. Well the kids in Step Up 2 are truly brilliant too.




Man I'd love to dance like that. For years, I've been going to various clubs that would be called black due to the predominance of the club being black. In fact, some times I've been the only white guy in the club. Mostly they're East African patronized. The French African music is intoxicating. I also go to South African patronized black clubs - they're far more hip hop oriented. Funny. Perhaps because of my lack of inhibition in a black club and something about me being able to dance to the music, I can dance with the best girl dancer on the floor. Which is why I've almost been killed twice. Boyfriends don't like me.

It's weird. I'm a very average ballroom dancer, but with hip-hop I've got rhythm. In fact, on my last visit to Moloko, I was fairly quietly dancing off the dancefloor and this bloke comes up to me. "Hey dude, you've got black rhythm." Jeez, I was happy for the rest of the night.

But man, I wish I could really dance. The dancing in Step Up is like a mix of Urban and gymnastics.

Watch Save the Last Dance to learn about Hip Hop dancing. Good movie too.

Oh, by the way, the Step Up 2 soundtrack is sizzling. My neighbours have been suffering for the last two weeks!

Is South African violence the thin end of the wedge for the rest of the world?

It's not difficult tying the violence we see in South Africa to the horrific upbringings many poor kids have in South African townships.

But to think that our problems with violence are unique is to ignore the growing trend of mob mad kids in the UK, US, etc. Whether it's the uprisings against Lebanese in Sydney, the anarchy on the streets of Paris, or the kid who makes a UK teacher's work impossible, The kids aren't alright as The Offspring song goes.

Read the horrific article in today's Sunday Times about the chav kid mobs in the UK who are running amok and beating adults to a pulp.

Are we headed for a Lord of the Flies culture? The problem is global. And the solution is not locking up a lost generation as is happening in the US and UK. Certainly many kids are monsters and possibly beyond redemption. They belong in jail.

But ultimately, we have to intervene to ensure no parents are allowed to create psychopathic monsters. How do you do that? Prophylactic injections to stop people convicted of domestic violence from having kids? Reworking social welfare to incentivize fewer and not more kids? Better institutions for orphans?

With an estimated 2 million aids orphans in the care of relative or village elders in South Africa, it is not difficult to see why we are not different, merely worse off.

The Kids Aren't Alright - The Offspring

When we were young the future was so bright (whoa)
The old neighborhood was so alive (whoa)
And every kid on the whole damn street (whoa)
was gonna make it big in every beat.

Now the neighborhood's cracked and torn (whoa)
The kids are grown up but their lives are worn(whoa)
How can one little street
Swallow so many lives?

Chorus:
Chances thrown
Nothing's free
Longing for
What used to be
Still it's hard
Hard to see
Fragile lives
Shattered dreams

Go!

Jamie had a chance, well she really did (whoa)
Instead she dropped out and had a couple of kids (whoa)
Mark still lives at home cause he's got no job (whoa)
Just plays guitar, smokes a lot of pot

Jay commited suicide (whoa)
Brandon OD'd and died (whoa)
What the hell is going on?
Cruelest dream reality

Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

Go!

Chances blown, nothing's free
Longing for what used to be
Still, it's hard, hard to see
Fragile lives, shattered dreams

Is Zuma our OJ Simpson?

Not for the first time, I was reminded today of the parallels between Zuma in South Africa with OJ Simpson in the States.

I read the rather excellent Guardian piece reprinted in the Mail and Guardian.

The psychology behind popular black support for heroes on trial by what is seen as white establishment is obvious. It is the same warped sense of indentity that causes otherwise reasonable whites to support a white Skierlik murderer or a depraved set of white boys making fun of black workers old enough to be their parents in their Reitz hostel video.

The Guardian article says of the original OJ Simpson Los Angeles trial: "The trial became less about the killings and more about a city's terrible relations with its black population. Occurring not long after the Rodney King riots of 1992, Simpson became a symbol for black power in the face of white authority."

It is not difficult to understand the support for Zuma of those with nothing to lose in South Africa on similar grounds. To them, he represents the black masses marginalised by first the whites and then the connected black elite who appear to have got rich with little regard for those who put them in power. Zuma's guilt of rape or corruption is secondary to the symbolism of taking back power by those in the majority.

This is of course alarming to those who somehow avoid the politics of race and condemn equally the crimes of those who commit them. The reality of a justice blind to race and popularity seems endangered - if it ever existed. The inequality of its application under apartheid would suggest not, and that it is rather an aspiration people hoped for in 1994.

The tale of OJ Simpson offers hope to those. The Gaurdian states: "There has been a fundamental shift in racial attitudes to Simpson. Once, 71% of black Americans believed he was innocent. That's fallen to 40%. It is likely to have collapsed further in the wake of his book. 'A lot of black people have changed their minds. Afterwards he did not try to reach out to them. He just moved to Florida and played golf,' says Manny Otiko, a black cartoonist and comedian."

Already it seems Zuma's support has questioned his willow-bend-in-the-wind poltical posturing.

Perhaps we too are moving towards a day where voters will choose between a woman and a black man based on issues rather than a left / right split.

Do you get artificial toe nails?

I ask as I'm about to lose one. On my middle toe on my left foot.

I went to a batchelor's party in the bush last night and somehow tripped and ripped off a toenail. Despite the fact that I was wearing shoes.

I have no memory of the incident - it was a sleepover batchelors at a game lodge. And I got nailed in a game of coinage. Bastards.

So I drove back today and went to hospital where the full damage under the blood and gore became clear.

Since even the root got torn out, the doctor reckons there is no chance of the nail regrowing.

I'm very fussy about feet. I find horrid toes and feet a turnoff. So I'm particularly dismayed at my impending mutilation.

Damn.

The only lucky thing is that the doctor reckoned I should be in screaming agony. Yet the pain is bearable. Small mercies.

Is it possible to be friends with your exes?

It's probably a question we each grapple with.

Often relationships end in argument and I guess when things are on bad terms, it's easier to figure out the answer.

None of my relationships have ended on bad terms - from my side. One ex is a very good friend and it is easy to spend time with her.

Another ex was my perfect girl. We went through periods of tension and not talking. Then she made an effort and visited me on trips to Joburg, etc. Then suddenly no responses to my messages or any contact. Now I hear she is getting married in April. I'm irritated. Does this mean that even though she told me she was not keen, she maintained contact because she was still making up her mind and keeping her options open?

Another ex is my first and only ex boyfriend. Although I've tried to maintain contact, it's proved difficult and so I've moved on.

Perhaps the most difficult has been the realtionship with my best friend. I've known him for 12 years and been in love with him since pretty much the beginning. I told him that about 5 years ago knowing he was straight and there was no hope of anything happening between us. But I knew that the unspoken sexual tension was forcing a wedge between us and I had to be honest if I was to truly be a friend. We hardly spoke for the next three years. But to his credit our friendship is again strong and since he moved back to South Africa we see quite a bit of one another. That does not mean that the feelings I have for him have gone away. And that is tough.

I think that most relationships with exes where there are remnants of attraction would be difficult for this reason. I still believe this is the respective parties' own issue to deal with and part of life. In the case of my best friend, I know for example that the friendship is so valuable that I need to deal with the feelings I have for him.

That is hard and it is reminding me that I do not meet people I am attracted to in all respects very often at all. And that in the cases that I have, they have never had the same feelings for me. It has inspired a mini-depression and loneliness. Damn.

Is Zuma's election a disaster?

The man is a moron. Let's not beat around the bush. Anyone who states on the witness stand that he took a shower to avoid getting AIDS after unprotected sex is clearly in no shape to run a country.

There is little doubt in my mind that he's also a crook. The courts have already found that Shabir Shaik solicited bribes from arms deal bidders on Zuma's behalf. Shaik has been in jail for some time.

Zuma's supporters say that if there is a case against Zuma, why has he not been jailed? This is a disingenuous defense by a group of left wing proponents who care less about the man they support than those against who he stands. Zuma's lawyers have fought every attempt to get the man in court. Surely if the man is innocent, he would welcome the Mauritian diary of the head of Thint in court? Surely he would not worry about the seizure of his personal documents? After all he has nothing to hide?

Further, the man is an out and out bigot. He explained to an adoring crowd that if a gay man had stood before him when he was young, he would have knocked him out.

Finally, Zuma is a bumbling populist. Don't ask him his policies - just state your desires and beliefs and he'll agree. At this rate South Africa will be the only Capitalist Communist country in the world.

But I do not believe that having Zuma run this country will be a disaster in itself. His political masters are far more frightening. The day after his election, the ANC voted to reintegrate the Scorpions (South Africa's version of the FBI) into the South African Police. This despite the obvious difficulties posed by the current Scorpion investigation of the chief of police for involvement in organised crime. Of course the ANC freely admits that logic had nothing to do with this decision - the Scorpion's investigation of Zuma for corruption had everything to do with it. Apparently their investigations have been manipulated by Mbeki to further his political battles. How will their integration into the police help prevent their manipulation when the head of the SA Police is a political appointee and not a professional policeman?

The Scorpions decision is one thing. Economics is another. The antagonism to inflation targeting by Cosatu (the Congress of South African Trade Unions) and the SACP (the South African Communist Party has followed swiftly on the heels of the election of their man to the head of the Tri-Partite alliance. They have pronounced that inflation must be managed in the context of broad developmental goals and not as an end in itself. This is all well and good, and there is much that can be written about what the inflation targeting range should be based on the factors driving inflation increases in South Africa. But South Africa adopted inflation targeting as a methodology precisely because the fuzzy interpretation of multiple objectives resulted in continued misalignment with the markets and wild swings in the key economic indicators.

Most economists will appreciate that cost push inflation cannot be targeted by interest rate adjustments. Fine. Then modify the targeting metric (CPIX - consumer price inflation less interest) to also exclude oil/petrol. What I am saying is don't through the baby out with the bath water.

Further there is some debate as to whether the 3% to 6% inflation target range is too low for South Africa - a developing country. The Philips curve demonstrates a trade off between inflation and employment. The lower the inflation rate, the higher the rate of unemployment. The precise relationship varies from country to country. Again, this is all well and good, but then debate the range, don't through out the most successful inflation management methodology yet seen in the world.

But the most frightening news was that of a debate that took place yesterday on nationalisation. Delegates to the ANC conference raised the possibility of nationalising Mittal Steel. Mittal bought ISCOR - an old parastatal - and gradually rebuilt an inefficient dirty apartheid era entity. Since then they have been found guilty of anti-competitive behaviour, charging import parity prices and benefiting from a monopoly position. However, they are now a top quartile low cost steel producer. The competition watchdog found them guilty of price fixing and fined them a substantial amount. That's how markets should work. Workers want them renationalised however. This together with the debate on shopping malls and their impac on traders in the townships. The focus here is jobs - or more specifically the mandate of Cosatu and the SACP.

And to me this is the danger of Zuma's presidency. He is beholden to the left. They voted him in and the ANC executive is now loaded with their sympathisers. There is almost a conflict of interests here. Cosatu and the SACP's focus is jobs for their members and the highest wages they can get. This is one part of the economy and has all the potential to ignite a wage price spiral. On a productivity / skill equivalent basis, South Africa has a tragically uncompetitive labour force. In order to create growth, grow exports, reduce the current account deficit, etc we have to increase output per rand of wages. To focus merely on the jobs and wages side of the equation ignores the prices paid by the consumer and the inevitable loss of competitiveness. Our textile industry offers the perfect case study. Which is more valuable - low price clothing for the poor or higher wages for textile workers? The first part of that debate is consistently ignored by trade unions. However, the impact of rising prices and the need for further increases in wages is not. Hence the wage price spiral.

In fact, unions prefer higher inflation as it allows them to negotiate higher nominal wage increases and they are then seen as having achieved more by their members. Witness the mass hysteria about single figure percentage increases in wages in the low inflation environment of the past decade. This illustrates perfectly why it takes many years to decrease wage push inflation.

One remarkable quote from that the above article:

A delegate to the commission said the minister and other senior leaders in the economics sphere do not explain why they do not agree with delegates’ suggestions for the re-nationalisation as well as a national state-owned mining company.

“The delegates felt it is needed because it would enable them to redistribute resources. But Mphalwa did not explain their reasons for opposing it properly. They might have access to information and obviously know more about international trends, but they don’t explain it to us.”

This is the legacy of the Mbeki years. Decision making in an aloof manner that has done nothing to build a shared understanding of good economic practice. If we are to recreate the South Korean miracle, there is much work to be done in educating the masses and aligning the nation.

The following sensible conclusion demonstrates that this is possible:

“People are seeing the mushrooming of shopping complexes coming up in townships and that is a negative thing because it is pushing out the small businesses and general dealers. But now there are Chinese and Pakistani people, coming in and taking over the small businesses and making a success of them.

“Where does the problem lie? Obviously there is a lack of skills and that might rather be the problem, not the fact that the big shops are coming up. Also, people these days don’t want general dealers, they want specialised shops, so that also takes them away from the general dealers,” the delegate said.